The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
