i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
