She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
