legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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