i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
When did angry sex become our thing?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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