her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
