he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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