it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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