Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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