I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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