Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
