went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
