She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
