Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
