My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
