its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
