Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
