Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
