you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
