oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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