I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
