its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
