dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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