Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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