Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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