Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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