I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
