Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
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you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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