Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
