I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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