i was born a porn star she said
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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