I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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