I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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