i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
