Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
