You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
