Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
