never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
