Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
