I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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