meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
