Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
