If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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