why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
