the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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