After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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