fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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