i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
