i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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