I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
