Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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