2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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