I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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