I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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