I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
