The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
