Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
